I don't know how to talk to girls.

Girls are a fascinating bunch. Being a young, adult male, I often find myself thinking about those wonderful creatures. I've had girlfriends in the past, so I know how amazing it is to be touched by them. As such, I live in a constant state of "I want to be her boyfriend" with just about every girl I see. Except for that one, but that's because I actually know her somewhat and she's weird.


For a person like me, single, intimidatingly handsome and with enough attractive qualities to draw the attention of dogs, there's only a few steps I need to take to move from "I want to be her boyfriend" to "her boyfriend." The first of these? Talking to her.


I can't get past this stage.




...


All right, I can't even get to this stage. "What's that, Mr. Sandwichman? You, an internet nerd with a blog can't talk to girls in real life? What a surprise!" Yeah, well... You're absolutely right. Here's a quick rundown of my thought process when I see a pretty girl in public.


"Oh, wow, she's very cute. I should go talk to her, shouldn't I? She's looking my way! Shit! I'm staring! Uh, uh, what do I do? Quick, act all aloof and uninterested! Girls like that, right?" And so I start acting all brooding, mysterious, and too cool for her. She turns away, I immediately go back to watching her. Because I'm a creep, apparently. And my thoughts resume, "Ugh, just go talk to her! I bet you she'd say yes if you just asked her out. No, that's stupid. A pretty girl like that has to have a boyfriend already. Hell, she probably has 5."


As you can see, I'm not exactly the suave type. I can predict exactly how a real life conversation with a girl would go.


Me: Why hello, there!
Her: Um. Hi?
Me: Hey. So, uh. I just saw you walking down the aisles and thought you were really cute so I decided to talk to you.
Her: Thanks...?
Me: Yep. I had a five aisle argument with myself about whether or not I should, though. I eventually decided that you probably didn't actually have guys ask you out very often and should definitely take a chance.
Her: Excuse me?
Me:..... That came out wrong. What I meant to say is, your appearance makes guys not want to talk to you.
Her: WHAT?
Me: No! Shit! That's not what I meant. Um.
Her: *slap!*


So, at the end of the day, I choose to stay quiet and keep my dignity. And, y'know. Loneliness.
Which is part of why I started a blog.