"Of course, Mr. Sandwichman. If that IS your real name!"
Ho ho ho, I'm glad you spelled out the sarcasm there, random picture generator. But, you're right. People on the internet are the worst at being interesting. There's an easy way to instantly become unlikable and boring. So easy, that even the thickest of skulls can do it.
STEP 1:
Whenever describing yourself on an internet profile, you need to make sure that you offend the least amount of internet strangers as possible. Because the opinions of people that you probably never talk to in real life (facebook), people that you will never speak to in real life (any dating site) and especially not the people that only know you as a Level 67 female Night Elf warrior cow are absolutely the most important things to worry about. SO! What do you do?
Describe your interests in the most generic, broad way possible
For Example:
You are absolutely right. Your eyes ARE the first thing I notice about you. Your eyes are so interesting and unique. I especially like how they look uniquely brown similar to every other pair of brown eyes I've ever seen. Isn't that absolutely fascinating? Who has ever had eyes as nice and large and noticeable as this girl? Nobody! That's why she's so interesting! And mysterious, because eyes are mysterious and strange.
Ignoring this...
STEP 2:
Now that you've successfully caught the attention of your reader with your amazing and totally unique eyes, because they are the only thing that stand out, all you need to do is tell your reader what is that you like. But remember, they can still judge you even after your beautiful, round, possibly-fake-but-hopefully-not eyes.
"Oh no, Mr. Sandwichman! What can I do to keep my reader interested and not offended and not judging me? Also, please don't use MSpaint to illustrate your point here, as I feel that your pictures are shoddily drawn and insults my intelligence."
Very well, you asshole. Let's go through everything that your typical American likes. Now, what's something that every American likes? Food, of course!
Of course!
"Wait, how can food be offensive to anyone? That's sort of ridiculous, isn't it?"
"Okay, you're right. Carry on."
Now, food is a pretty easy thing. As long as you aren't doing something that offends the sensibilities of every other rational human being in existence, such as frying beer, then you should be okay. But! Be sure to point out that you really like hamburgers and hot dogs. Because this is America! We only like American food here in America! Because America! AMERICA!
If you're one of those 4 people reading from outside the United States, then you're pretty much on your own. I believe in you, though. But, if you really need some ideas, here are some:
To the Canadian, I would suggest liking "Maple Syrup"
To the U.K.er, you have 4 choices because you're the United Kingdom. You're either Scottish and really into sheep, English and really into scones, Irish and really into potatoes, or Welsh and nobody cares.
What is the next most important thing after food?
TV! Television! Telly! The Tube!
At this point, you are required to list a terrible reality show (Dancing with the Stars or American Idol)
An "adult" cartoon (Family Guy, Simpsons, South Park)
The (American) Office (No exceptions)
and either Glee or another comedy show of your choice as long as it's not MadTV.
CONGRATULATIONS! You are now halfway through your journey to being the most interesting person on the internet! Only a few more important topics to cover before you're finished. Go ahead and celebrate by taking a quick break. Get yourself a snack, Americans! Go have some tea, Brits! Go... watch some hockey, Cannucks!
We'll reconvene Saturday for the second part of your lesson in becoming the most interesting person on the internet. Be there! Because if you don't read this guide, you'll never find happiness and will always be alone because nobody will like you otherwise. Neeeeeeeeeeerd!
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