Those of you with weak stomachs, I must ask you to turn away.
I have been gone for three weeks. For that, I must apologize. However, you may appreciate why I've been gone. And you damn well better appreciate it or I will beat you into appreciation! Beat it. Got it?
Picture Unrelated
Okay, so three weeks ago I went on a date. It ended terribly. Not so terribly that it would be interesting to write about, but terribly enough that I had to kill her so she couldn't spread lies about me. And I swear. They were all lies. Every. Single. One of them.
As I parted ways with the girl, a dimensional vortex opened up and out stepped the most hideous creature I've ever laid eyes upon. He stood at seven feet tall, easily, and had a frame even more skeletal than my own. Skin hung off of his bones as if every bit of meat had been drained from his body. His eye sockets sat empty, replaced by black holes that seemed capable of staring into your very soul. The monster didn't have lips. His teeth were clearly visible, even in the dark of the night. You see, his dental care was so poor that his teeth had actually become irradiated enough to glow. Also, he was a hideous monster from another dimension so that partially helped.
An ordinary response would be to immediately transform my hand into an arm cannon and blast away the monstrosity. However, I actually knew this particular Demon and held off. The bastard's lucky I recognized him. "Dammit, Jorge. What did I tell you about sneaking up on me like that?"
Jorge the Hell Demon shrugged his thin shoulders in response. He opened his hideous jaw to speak and paused. He tried to make a facial expression, but the lack of muscles in his face made that difficult. From what I could tell, he looked somewhat exasperated. We've had this discussion before. "Maname redacted, sorry to interrupt at such a time. I know you're trying to procreate with a feminine member of your species often referred to as the fairer sex by those of her type, but my people are in great dire need of your assistance." Jorge didn't speak English as a first language. Those damn aliens. Who do they think they are? Coming into America and not knowing how to speak American. Fuckers.
"Jorge," I said. I said, "Jorge, really. If you're going to come into my house unannounced, please at least try to speak intelligibly. You'll make my story less believable."
Jorge the Hell Demon from Mars sighed. Those idiots think they're so much more intelligent than me, but I sure are smarter. "This one does extend forth deepest apologies of sorriness toward the squishy savior. This one must inquire as to the potential possibilities probablating toward the squishy's assistance toward this one's fellow creatures of similar design and culture?" I slapped my foreign friend upside the ribcage. They bones holding his skin there snapped into his body. He coughed. "Should this one take that as the squishy's response to be no?"
"Negative, amigo. It's adventure time."
Don't think of this as theft. Think of it as free advertising.
We arrived in Frederick's homeland a few hours later. Unfortunately, Frederick had been horrifically maimed by a pack of Rodents of Unusual Size. Because Frederick is a fucking douche.
Look at all this free advertising!
Anyway, that's an uninteresting story. Let's get back to my greatness. Jorge the Hell Demon from Mars, Pennsylvania was acting like a gigantic blubbering walrus. As I was busy setting up camp, he lay next to the ashy remains of Frederick sobbing about how he was the Chosen One. Honestly, all I got was "Oh no, he was the Chosen One" this and "Maname redacted, you're gonna be the death of an entire race" that and some "Oh, Creator, Maname redacted, what are you doing no oh creator noooooooooooooo." I didn't pay much attention. When you look as good as me, you let other people do the paying.
The next morning revealed Frederick's homeland to be a total wasteland. Much different than the last time I passed through. It disappointed me to see how little care some people could have for their planets. The cars, I told Jorge, had to be what destroyed this planet. Jorge stared at me with his empty eye-sockets. "Does the squishy savior perform a jest for entertainment?" I winked at him, not really trying to hide the large check Al Gore had just given me. "This dimension we now reside upon is lacking in the area of automatic horseless carriages. How can the squishy account for his hypothesis with such a staunchly obvious fact is present?"
"JORGE!" I slapped my compadre sexily. I then put my pants back on. "There's no time for your rambling! We have a planet to save."
With no room left for argument, Jorge and I made our way forward. Being the whiny bitch that he is, Jorge of course made me walk in front of him. Ask him and he'd tell you he was using me as a meat shield, but the truth of the matter is that he was too busy gaying up his gay-o-meter all the way to gay-leven to even attempt to do something. Other than be gay. Not that I have anything wrong with gayness. It's just that he's really, really, really gay.
When suddenly! A spider attacked!
Artist's Rendering
Of course, I would have none of this! Jorge, being the giant eye-less I-don't-even-fucking-know lacked any sort of balls so he couldn't fight our yucky enemy. The yuckiness can hardly be described in words, friends! Its legs were hairier than... something... that has a lot of hair. Um. Its eyes were all red and ugly! And its sense of fashion was especially unpleasant. And it acted like a big dumb doodoo head.
I immediately sprang into action. As soon as the monster made its presence known, I struck it with a jumping axe kick to the head. Any ordinary spider would have been finished right then and there, but my foe didn't seem to be fazed by my surprise attack. It whimpered a bit, probably realizing that its time was up. Not willing to accept defeat so easily, I went right back on the attack. I grabbed a leg and ripped it right from the filthy blood-sucker's body. Now, I've been around the octagon a few times. I know that once you have an opponent's limb, the fight is supposed to stop. But this isn't fake Mixed Martial Arts fighting. This is real life. I proceeded to throw the leg like a spear into the spider's eye. The left one.
Throughout all of this, Jorge cheered me on. Without his encouragement, however gay it may have been, I would surely have been defeated. "No! The squishy must immediately rapidly desist and cease its awful actions! That being the squishy attempts to vandalize and decimate so thoroughly actually truly exists in life as our guardian! Lacking its presence and without it being here, we surely will be doomed!" I laughed with Jorge. He was absolutely right, of course. This dumb ol' spider was especially tacky, if I may use such a gaily gay term.
My enemy would probably have been crying at that point if I wasn't so busy punching its one good eye. It lay on the ground, battered and thoroughly crushed. Despite the injuries, I persisted! My strength--nay, my pride!--NAY! MY HONOR! MY HONOR DEMANDED I CONTINUE! The spider could no longer move. It twitched occasionally. "You fiend! Do you not know when to stop?" All the ladies swooned over my handsomeness. Even the married ones. With my vast repertoire of attacks nearly exhausted, I decided the time had come for my final blow.
I leaped upon my foe and sunk my teeth into its abdomen. My rippling muscles tore out chunks from its fat ass. With a quick yank, I rocketed into the air, the spider's head in hand. I charged my chi up, focused all my chakras into my hand Chakra and finally let my super ultimate deluxe hadou spider-head-jitsu attack go. It made contact with my foe's body, obviously, and the nuclear explosion that followed sent me back into our own dimension.
The whole ordeal lasted far longer than I can really relate. Time moves so much differently in other realms. One can't really understand unless one experiences it for oneself. By my best estimates, it's been nearly a month since my adventure took place.
And that's why I haven't updated all month.
It's also why I don't write fiction.
