Mr. Sandwichman's Horror Stories of Single-life

Most people can talk about a bad dating experience. Unless you have a body odor problem and turn women off from you entirely. In that case, take a shower or become a hippie. You're probably halfway to becoming a hippie, but you'll run the risk of not being liked by anyone. Not that you'll be liked by anyone anyway, even if you take a couple of showers. It's because you're gross, is what I'm saying. But! That's neither here nor there. Today we have one of many tales of my awful single life.


Now, this story is completely true. It isn't exaggerated. It isn't in any way fictionalized because, quite honestly, I'm not creative enough to come up with something this... I don't even know how to describe it. Just... Just read and see for yourself.


I work for a bank. As such, I must look very professional. What's more professional than wearing a suit?

Professional!

Now, wearing a nice suit like that tends to make people who ordinarily look average and blend into the crowd (read: me) look much better than normal. So, at night I am an ordinary looking..Uh. I have no idea what the hell that is. Anyway, I'm an ordinary That who has a secret job of being an assassin because nobody can recognize me. But! During the day, I put on a suit and become a super attractive That!

Except that sort of attractive isn't the good kind of attractive. It doesn't attract the girls that I would like for it to attract. Girls like, say, I dunno... This:

Instead, I attract. Erm. This.

Professional Artist's Rendering

As you can see, there's a bit of a discrepancy. Today, I had the latter come into the bank I'm on loan to. And start hitting on me. In a very dirty, very inappropriate manner.

She looked at me with a gleam in her eyes that I didn't really notice. I am, after all, a halfway decent worker sometimes and was trying to keep myself somewhat busy. I was not the teller helping her. During her transaction, my coworker kept trying to talk to her as a good teller should. Rather than continue the conversation with my female coworker about girly things that I'm far too manly to bother with, she looked at me and gave a simple compliment. "Oh, and how's this handsome fella doing?"

Haha, those silly old grandmas and their trying to make everyone smile. I smiled at her and said, "I'm doing pretty well, thanks for asking."

My coworker steered the conversation back to woman things. Like marriage. And the floodgates opened. Once again, the elderly woman focused her attention on me and asked, "Surely a good looking man like you are married?"

"Um. No. Not yet." I replied, suddenly feeling kind of awkward. Everyone around me at this branch has a significant other and I'm there. Alone. By myself.

"A pretty girlfriend?"

"Ah. No." By now, my self confidence was taking a dive so I wasn't prepared for what came next.

"Hohoho, if only I was younger!" How does one respond to a statement like that? She is clearly interested in me. Y'know. Sexually. I'm saying she wanted to have sexual intercourse with me, evidence to be presented down the page a little. Now tell me, imaginary-reader-because-I'm-not-great-enough-yet, how can you possibly say anything to this without either coming off creepy-as-fuck to your coworkers or as a complete asshole to this lonely woman? I'll tell you!

"Hahaha, yeah!" And at that point, you turn back to your work and start hoping that she'll go away soon. Now, if you're sharp, but you're not because you're imaginary, you'll probably be able to tell that I did NOT use the correct answer. You see, by responding with "Hahaha, yeah" you are suggesting that maybe if she WAS younger you'd be interested. That, in turn, invites a comment something along the lines of this:

"Well, you need to find someone to shake it with. But, be careful not to break it!"

Read that a couple more times. Take it in. Think of every possible meaning lies in those two sentences. When you're done, keep reading.

You're done? Haha, no you're not because nobody's sanity can survive through that. In case you decided to not ponder that phrase like I ordered you to, let me sum up what this "kind" old lady just said to me. In public. With her voice. That other people could hear.

"Find someone to shake it with. But be careful not to break it"

Shake it but don't break it.

Shake it but don't break it.

SHAKE IT BUT DON'T BREAK IT.

In more blunt terms, "Go have lots of sex but try not to break your dick"

Now to make sure your imaginary boss sees what kind of smut you're reading, have this:

DON'T BREAK YOUR DICK

At that point, my coworker had finished the transaction and sat there staring in complete shock, bewilderment and embarrassment. I felt that to the HRRGGGLEBLRRRRRRth power. (That would be the sound of a That's soul crumpling in upon itself)

Our fair maid went about her merry way, allowing for me to be informed of her history with the men of this particular branch.

We had a manager far before my time that she seemed to have the hots for. She would kiss his hands and hug him, all that jazz. Really touch-feely-friendly-sexual harassment type, right? Nothing out of the ordinary and nothing that might make someone want to go and hide, right?

Wrong. So, so wrong.

Well, one particular day, she hugged this manager and decided to show her affection in the best, non-creepiest way possible! How's that, you ask? By licking his ear, of course! That's completely sane and appropriate! That's how I attract all the people I want to date and slash or have genital mashing contests with!

And that is why I'm still single.