It's typically why I avoid phonebooths
I try to defend myself by keeping my back to the wall. That way, I know nobody can come at me from behind. It's the first rule of being an Auror, after all. CONSTANT VIGILANCE. The strange looks I get whenever I'm in Target are better than having my stolen belt tied in a noose thrown around my neck. You just can't keep your hand at the level of your eyes all the time.
Well, the other night I was hanging out with my friend Mike. Mike is a good guy. Like any other filthy, no good, worthless Scotch-Irish nicotine-addicted drunk, he needed to get some cigarettes and I decided to accompany him. I'm just that good of a friend. We pulled up to the gas station and are sitting in his car for a few moments because he "wants to hear the end of this song, dammit!" I just shrugged it off and decided to stare at the people already inside the gas station. Man, I think, Those people are ugly. I'm glad I'm not so ugly. I don't even know what I would DO if I were so ugly! Hoho.
Beautiful.
Mike finally finished whatever the hell it was that he was doing and we went in. I paid no mind to the uggos sitting on the other side of the building. My good friend spent a few minutes discussing the intricacies of smoking cigarettes, the flavors and whatnot while I stared off into space. I'm much too sophisticated and attractive for such disgusting habits. And honestly, while I'm at it, I'm too smart to do something that damaging to my body. I would never do something like that. Ever.
I came back to reality to find Mike having completed his mission and was walking for the door. At that very moment, I got a better look at the people I had been staring at earlier. For some reason, something in my mind went "SHIT!" My conscious mind caught up with my unconscious and I also went "SHIT!"
Apparently she developed a hump back? What.
You know how when somebody's staring at you, you sort of feel it and then you look their way? And you know when you see something that really scares you that you freeze up and don't think straight? Well...
At this point, I actually did say, "SHIT! SHIT, MIKE, WE NEED TO GO! SHIT!"
Mike immediately got ready to fight, thinking that one of the guys Madame was with wanted to brawl or something. His adrenaline was pumping and he got red in the face, looking for the fight. He asked why, where was it at, what was going on. I simply said, "FORGET IT, I'LL TELL YOU AFTER WE'RE GONE!"
So we left. And by "we left" I mean "I sprinted out the door, drawing even more attention to myself and hoped that nobody noticed while my friend took his sweet fucking time getting to the car" By the time we were moving, I was in a frenzied state of screaming profanities and hoping that our car wouldn't be thrown over by an absolutely furious woman. I can't remember for sure, but I believe I told my friend something along the lines of
SPLGHAFK! is "That-inese" for "SHITSHITSHITGETMOVINGSHITSHITSHIT"
Cool story, huh?
Mr. "Details So Heavily Altered for the Sake of Drama That This is Legally Fiction" Sandwichman
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