Remember high school? Of course you do! It was high school when that one thing happened. The one that scarred you for the rest of your life and made talking to girls damn near impossible for me. You. Impossible for you. Fuck you! Anyway, high school has this retarded tendency to make people stupid. "Shit, really?" Yeah! I know, right? But I mean really stupid. It's only getting worse.
Quick history lesson in Counterculture.
In the 60's and 70's we had these guys:
The 80's gave us those problematic punkers
The 90's is when things started getting really retarded. Now, I know that there could potentially (not very likely, but y'know.. Potentially) be some older readers who would argue "No, the hippies are the worst damn thing to ever happen ever." I would normally agree with that if it wasn't for the fact that my generation is the worst thing to happen. You want proof? Here's fucking proof.
I'm fighting the man by buying all my clothes at the mall!
"Counter"culture has only gotten worse since the new millennium. We now have more counterculture than we know what to do with in America. Hell, our entire culture is based on being counterculture. It's a mass madness so awful that not even the Dark Lord Cthulhu could have come up with it. In the year 2010 we have
Hey, it's okay. Don't cry, guy... Girl? Um.
And then we have the even worse hipster problem to worry about. Counter culture is a dumb idea. I've never had a decent encounter with someone from ANY of these "rebels." What does that mean? It means that we need to reset society. Humanity has become too stupid that not even Natural Selection can help us now. Here's a story.
I stood in line minding my own damn business. The night had been interesting so far and I was looking forward to the show I was about to see. Then I heard them. No! I thought. Not right now! Tonight could have been so good! Teenagers. Not just any ordinary teenagers, though. Of course not. By going to a certain musical I placed myself in a situation I should have been prepared for. Super rebellious goffik-emo-teenagers. Ever the optimist, I hoped that maybe they wouldn't be as bad as I expected.
"So yeah, I totally lied to my mom about where I was going to be tonight," said one.
Fuck.
"That's so cool, Raven," said another.
Fuck. Really?
"Yeah, I totally told my dad off tonight. He was all 'You need to watch your sister' and I was like 'Fuck you, Dad! I'm going to go no matter what you say!'" the third commented.
This is why abortion should be legal.
I can't remember for sure if I actually said it as loud as that or if I said it just loud enough for my brother to hear. I'm pretty sure I said it loud enough for everyone to hear. That would explain what these little shits said next.
"Y'know it'd be really cool if we each had psychic powers so we could hear what other people were thinking. But, y'know, like, limited so we can only hear each others' thoughts and not share them with anybody else."
Actual quote. Actual fucking quote because it's too damn retarded to make up. I don't remember much of what happened next. The next thing that I clearly remember is speeding down a dirt road with my brother going on and on about the gore that I seemed to be drenched in. I may or may not have killed three people that night. So, theoretically I should be on the run from the cops. But I'm not!
Wanna know why?
"Because you didn't actually do anything, you stupid fuck"Wow. Killed all momentum. I had a really good joke running in my head about how if I actually had killed them it wouldn't have mattered because seriously everybody was getting sick of their stupid shit. But no. That joke is gone because you killed the momentum. Man, I wish I had psychic powers so that only certain people could hear my hilarious thoughts and nobody that I didn't want could get in because that'd be totally awesome right? Yeah, totally awesome. Totally! Cool. Hurhur.
Back to the story. After that little comment, I stood in complete shock. Had I seriously just heard that? Did somebody ACTUALLY say those words in that fucking order? After confirming that I had indeed heard the single most retarded sentence ever spoken by a human being, I figured that the madness would stop there. The hole went no further. Nobody on this plane of existence could go beyond that monument of stupid, right? The only way would be to take a retarded gothic-ized version of Alice's trip to Wonderland. And come on, nobody's stupid enough to do anything like th
FUCK!
"I can't wait to get inside. I saw on the website that they have these contact lenses like vampire and werewolf eyes. I'm totally gonna use my mom's debit card to get me a pair." Figures that I would stop carrying my knife the day that I needed it most. I'm not interested in taking another human's life or anything. I just wanted it to end my misery. I thought about snarking at them some more. My only defense when it comes to people like this is what passes for wit with me. I feared, though, that these people were far too dense for such tools to be effective. I sighed and took a step forward in line.
Once upon a time, I would swear to you that people like this didn't exist. All those stereotypes you heard about were just gross exaggerations. Caricatures, if you will. Then I met these people. I lost my will to live that day. Unfortunately, the Powers to Be has (have?) a cruel sense of humor and I didn't drop dead on the spot. If they wouldn't help, then I'd have to resort to gathering up enough will power that what I desired would manifest itself physically. My head didn't explode like I so desired. All right, thought I to myself. Maybe I can't destroy the thing that I'm using to create my will-power. I'll just destroy their heads with my psychic powers. Then I remembered psychic powers don't exist.
Pbbbbth!
At this point the average blogger would likely make fun of these kids for wanting to be vampires and/or werewolves. They would probably proceed to make a reference to Twilight and start making fun of that as well. Since I am not your average blogger, however, I will instead say, "Nnyeh, I am far too sophisticated and above such petty, obvious insults. Mm. Yes."
But seriously, guys. Fuck teenagers.
Another shitty post by
Mr. "Oh God, Why Do I Do This to Myself? Fuuuuuuu--" Sandwichman
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