I am going to write something!

"I am going to write something!
I must write something!
I can't write nothing!

MOTIVATION DAMMIT!
BE MOTIVATED, SELF!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!"
Following that, the keyboard found itself receiving a barrage of unnecessarily brutal attacks that left it mostly broken. It wondered to itself about the nature of its existence. Did the keyboard do something to deserve the hammer that now just destroyed the number pad? It didn't think so. As far as it could remember, the keyboard had always been a very helpful tool and obeyed its owner faithfully. Never had there been a more loyal computer part! So, the keyboard wondered, why did the User now unleash so much harm and pain upon it? The keyboard didn't understand. Probably because it's a fucking keyboard and doesn't have a brain to understand with.

Derp derp derp

At any rate, my keyboard was broken. (That's my story and I'm sticking with it) That's why I haven't posted anything since, uh... When was the last time I posted? Yeah. Then. I know I've said a couple of times since the new year started that a new post was coming. And then I failed to deliver. That hurt, didn't it? I understand. For that, I apologize. However! Now that a new post has come, don't you feel all warm and fuzzy? Yay warm and fuzzy!

And now, madness!

So, today is January 20, 2011. You know what that means? That means you have 701 days until the end of the world! OH NO! Unless the world decides to end before then. I've been warned that it might happen before then.

This story takes place in a movie theater. But first, some set-up. You get to see some pretty interesting people at movie theaters. Wait, did I say interesting? I meant horrifying. It's even worse when you are a worker and have to meet the demands of insane people.

"That" is back!

"Well, what's so insane about that? If you go to the movie theater and eat popcorn, you HAVE to have butter! That's a law, isn't it? Also, why is your MSpaint avatar always naked?"

I'll address the last question first: Shhhh.

As for the butter, it starts getting insane when you have a KFC-bucket sized deal of popcorn that is approximately half popcorn and half butter. We called it "Popcorn Soup" and it's as disgusting as it sounds. And, of course, if you're getting violent about the amount of butter, you should probably take a step back and think about your life.

Anyway, I had been working at the theater for about three months at the time of this story. We were right at the end of summer in the Midwest so weather was being crazy. The Management actually put up signs saying something along the lines of "If the power goes out, then you're shit out of luck and you aren't getting a refund. What were you thinking coming to see a movie when there's a tornado watch anyway, you idiot?" The power had gone out once or twice before my shift started. I walked in and was warned to be ready for a great night.

The night went on. I didn't have any of the problems that the day shift had so all was well. Up until the last shows of the night. The power started flickering. Now, I imagine you're probably a fairly intelligent person. You probably sort of have an idea of how movies are run. There's a screen and a projector, right? Yeah! Good job! Really, the only detail you need to know for this story is that the projector runs on electricity. Common sense. So, the power is flickering which therefore means...?

If the power goes out... Then.. The Movie... IS A WITCH!

Close! It means the projector shuts off and the movie stops playing. Probably because of witchcraft, though, so you only sort of missed it. Well, for the first two shows for this particular round, the power had flickered and shut off so we were warning everyone that we were having some trouble. Right around this time, this guy came in. You'll understand what I mean by this guy in just a second.

He walked up to the counter and I greeted him as a good concession stand worker should, "Hello there! Ah, just so you know, the power's been flickering because of the storm so it's kind of messed with our equipment. I'm just letting everyone know beforehand just in case something happens with the movies."

So far, everybody had been taking it pretty well. They understood, "Hey, I came here during a thunderstorm.  I understand." This guy was no exception. We actually had some pretty nice banter going on before he ordered. "Haha, good. All right, could I get a large popcorn and a large--Hm, lessee. Do you have Dr. Pepper?"

No. No we did not. We had Mr. Pibb which is the exact same damn thing. "Oh, no, that's no good at all. I'll just have a large coke instead." I shrugged off the fact that it's the SAME. DAMN. FORMULA. and went ahead to ring him up. Just then, lightning flashed and the power went out for a brief second. Luckily, the back-up generators kept the projectors running. Unluckily, all the computers reset. All of them.

"Oh, crap," I mumbled. The man gave me a curious look. "Ah, sorry. The storm just caused my computer to shut down. I have to start everything back up."

And then! It happened!

The man (or Fly, I guess?) chuckled for a second before he went into his rant. He looked me straight in the eye with a look that told me if I looked away he might just stab me. "This is the problem with having everything on computers!" I stood shocked. Um. What? "No, think about it! EVERYTHING is on computers these days. Back when I was younger, you didn't need a computer to buy some popcorn!" I tried apologizing for the inconvenience. At that point, he leaned in real close--and I mean real close--and foretold that the end of the world was only one power surge away!

There I stood with this man right in my face, predicting that society as we knew it was about to collapse back to the rock ages with a single lightning strike. I thought about arguing against it by saying something along the lines of there is a lot of space and how unlikely a single lightning strike would cause the fall of society. Realizing that the man was likely crazy, however, I decided to respond with, "You're absolutely right! We need to stop being so dependent on these machines! A man is just as capable as doing the jobs that computers do!" That being said, I proceeded to write down what the man bought, handed him his change back and prayed that he would quickly depart with his concessions without spitting digestive juices on me.

I SAID I WANTED COKE, NOT PIBB

Looking satisfied that he'd saved one poor youth from the evils of technology, the man scuttled off to his movie. (which, if I'm remembering correctly, was 2012.)

This is something that's been bugging me lately. There are lots of people talking about the end of the world and other such conspiracies. Let's think about this a bit, eh? Let's think about 2012 specifically. The whole basis which people use for the world ending is that the oddly specific Mayan calender just suddenly ends around then. They skip over the fact that it's a calender. In fact, some argue that the whole 2012 craze is just people exaggerating a bunch of bullshit and trying to scare people's money into their own pockets. Actual  experts on the Maya, despite their rather crappy websites, say that the Mayans never said a thing about the end of the world at the end of their calender. I'm pretty sure that guy knows what he's talking about because he's looked at more than a fucking calender.

So, in conclusion: The world probably won't end in the foreseeable future. Stop telling me about it. By reading  this, you have now entered into a contract with me that should you bring up 2012 in all seriousness I get to punch you in the balls. Hard. And if you're a woman, I'll... Uh. Scratch your baby? I dunno. I'll figure something out.

Mr. "I broke my New Year's Resolution on the first day!" Sandwichman