A Study in Awful: Black Prologue

So far, this blog has been mostly about me being in stupid situations that I could easily have avoided. It has included me making fun of people who can in no way defend themselves. As entertaining as I find that, I've decided to take a new turn here. I'm going to start making fun of things that can be defended. In this case, it probably won't be the original creator defending it because he is apparently an award-winning author and I'm a tiny, unnoticeable blip on the blogosphere.

Now, I am in no way an expert in anything. I don't have a college degree. I'm not especially talented in any one thing. I'm the first one to admit that. So, where do I get off on insulting people that apparently have more talent than me? What gives me the right to make horribly offensive comments about people that are published when I'm not? The simple answer is fuck you. The more complex one is no seriously, fuck you.

Today's Study in Awful is on Ted Dekker's novel Black. Now, since this is a 408 page novel, I'm going to break this up into several different parts. I would just do a one shot review of the whole book, but I can only read so much of this at a time without inflicting physical harm upon the closest living thing. As such, I'll just go over whatever I can get down in one sitting.

Carlos Missiran was his name. One of his many names.

Oh fuck. It's been a while since I've read through this trilogy of books and I've done a lot to help me forget it. However, if I recall correctly, Carlos's other names never come up again. So what's the point in telling us that he goes by many names? Padding! Yay padding! On the second fucking sentence of the book.

Immediately after, we're introduced to Valborg Svenson. You can tell Valborg is a badguy because he's foreign. Also, the next sentence tells us that he was born in hell. What.
Valborg and Carlos are sitting in a dark room, thirty feet apart and eating steak. Why are they sitting in a dark room? Because evil! Without a word, the two get up and go into Svenson's study where they watch a lab that's busy at work on creating a supervirus.

Dekker proceeds to prove how evilly evil the evil evil is by describing such evil things as smoking! Having black hair! Wearing black clothes! THAT FIEND!

Svenson stared at the lab below. The swiss wore his hair parted down the middle so that black locks flopped either way. In his black jacket he looked like a bat.

Bat + Black = Evil

QED: Batman = Evil

I should probably point out at this point, if you don't already know, that Ted Dekker is a very popular Christian author. I do not have a problem with someone being a Christian. I don't really care what you believe in. If it makes you feel better, great for you. However, there is a section of Christianity that has some pretty crazy beliefs that the rest of the Believers don't share. A lot of these typically involve unreasonable and contradictory-to-the-Bible hatred for other people. I'm pretty sure that Ted Dekker is one of those crazier people and these beliefs will come into play down the road in this book.

Like now!

He was a man married to a dark religious code that required long trips in the deepest of nights.

Two things. First: What the fuck does that even mean? Second: This, I am fairly certain, is referring to some form of "witchcraft." This form of witchcraft  shares a lot of similarities to the witchcraft that Christine O'Donnel didn't practice because it doesn't exist. (By the way, Fred Clark is a great down-to-earth theologist that I always enjoy reading. He's also done a massive project tackling the terrible theology behind the Left Behind series. You can check it out here. )
Back to the book

Carlos was certain his god dressed in a black cloak and fed on misery, and at times he questioned his own allegiance to Svensson. The man was driven by an insatiable thirst for power and the men he worked for even more so. ... Carlos didn't care to understand the depths of their madness; he only knew they were the kind of people who could get what they wanted, and in the process he would get what he wanted: the restoration of Islam.

Ah, that's nice. Carlos, being evil, is a follower of Islam. Nice, Ted Dekker. I understand that you have conflicting beliefs with Islam but I'd like to remind you of a little something. Islam and Christianity have their base roots in Judaism. All three worship the same God. The only differences are in the prophets. Also, you're an intolerant fucking prick for this.

"Maybe he's just adding depth to the character by giving him religious beliefs." Ho ho, you poor ignorant fool. We're only on the fourth page of the prologue so you don't know quite yet, but I can assure you that Carlos is about as deep as the author's understanding of other religions.

The problem here stems from an underlying belief that broke through recently with the debates about the Islamic community center a few blocks away from Ground Zero. In short, the belief is that simply by being Muslim and following the Islamic God instead of the Christian God, you are evil.
That's why those terrible, evil "Moose Limes" chose to build an Islamic community center a few blocks away from Ground Zero. They did it to spite those good, patriotic Americans that really suffered during 9/11! And hey! Did you know that there were no Muslim Victims? Oh.

Ahem, that's more fitting for another post at another time. Back to the book. (I'm only at the top of page 4 of the prologue. This... This hurts.)

After three and a half pages of nothing happening, the only two characters we've met so far finally experience a thing!

...Carlos had interviewed fifty-seven scientists from the former Soviet bioweapons program, quite persuasively. And int he end, nothing. At least nothing they were looking for.                             

 The Telephone on a large black sandalwood desk to their right rang shrilly. 

 Neither made a move for the phone. It stopped ringing.

Wow, Ted Dekker, thank you for that. Hey, reader, aren't you so glad that you were told about that absolutely useless piece of information? The only credit I can give to Dekker here is that he didn't do this:

As an aside, hey, what the fuck does Carlos look like?

"We need you in Bangkok," Svensson said. His voice sounded like the rumble of an engine churning against a cylinder full of gravel.

"Bangkok."

"Yes, Bangkok. Raison Pharmaceutical."

"The Raison Vaccine?" Carlos said. They have been following the development of the vaccine for over a year with the help of an informant in the Raison labs. He'd always thought it would be ironic if the French company Raison--pronounced ray-ZONE, meaning "reason"--might one day produce a virus that would bring the world to its knees.

Spoilers, that exact thing happens. Here's another thing I want to point out: Carlos actually spent time thinking that Raison Pharmaceutical might produce a virus that would effectively cripple the world. I'm no expert when it comes to pharmaceutical companies, but I'm pretty sure there aren't any out there that actually work on creating viruses.

The exception that proves the rule

The two proceed to exposit details on I don't even fucking know because this is seriously awful. Then, Svensson pipes up with this:

"...Our man at the CDC received a nervous visitor today who claimed that the mutations of the Raison Vaccine held together under prolonged, specific heat. The result, the visitor claimed, would be a lethal air-borne virus with an incubation of three weeks. One that could infect the entire world's population in less than three weeks."

Oh, hey, convenient. That's exactly what our villains want! Man, it's like this is a poorly written book or something. I'm just kind of curious about how they ca--

"And how did this visitor happen to come across this information?"

Ah, yeah, thanks Carlos.

Svensson hesitated. "A dream," he said. "A very unusual dream. A very, very convincing dream of another world populated by people who think his dreams of this world are only dreams. And by bats who talk."

. . . . .







. . . . . . . . . .






Let's think about this for a few seconds. A man that can best be described as --ahem-- "nervous," walked into the CDC claiming that talking bats in his dream told him that a vaccine (a vaccine for what, by the way? Who knows? It never says) will mutate into a lethal virus even more contagious than smallpox if kept under a certain heat for a certain time. The man, as far as we know, has no credentials when it comes to science. He has no evidence other than talking bats in a crazy, very convincing dream he had. Nobody would fucking pay attention to him.

Carlos, the evil Muslim, has his hesitations. Svensson responds to his uneasiness by saying:

"We have our reasons for paying attention."

Like what? I mean, other than the fucking convenience to your world domination plot, what reason you could possibly have to believe this lunatic? Hey, book! Book! What is your reasoning for this, book?! BOOK!

Svensson had covered the CDC well, with four on the payroll, if Carlos remembered correctly.

CDC had 14,000 Employees in 2007. This book is set in 2010.  Yeah, that 0.02% of the CDC's employees is definitely great coverage! Okay, but maybe they're at the top of the ranks. That would seem like a logical explanation so I'm satis--oh ho ho, wait, Dekker doesn't say anything more than that.

 Even the most innocuous-sounding reports of infectious diseases quickly made their way to the headquarters in Atlanta. Svensson was understandably interested in any report of any new outbreak and the plans to deal with it.

Great. So, about the four employees you have under your thumb. Where do they rank? What do they do inside the CDC? Dekker isn't a stupid man. After all, he has 33 novels under his belt. I'm sure he'll explain this.

But a dream? Thoroughly out of character for the stoic, black-hearted Swiss. This alone gave the suggestion its only credence.

Or, y'know... Not. Svensson proceeds to be EVIL! and talks about the man a bit more. Carlos is still somewhat unsure about the whole thing. He isn't convinced that the crazy man with the crazy dreams should be trusted since, y'know, crazy. Svensson repeats his orders one last time with the added bonus of more EEEVIIL! to kill people after they've exhausted their use.

And thus ends the prologue of Black. We still have 402 pages until the end of the book and it only gets worse. Just wait until we get to the Other Earth.